I am a written paper of a story not yet told – Sometimes I feel like my story has been written already, that our lives are determined, but yet the future is a blank page. It makes no sense because our future can’t be prescribed but still alterable. I believe that things will come how they should, that my fate is already chosen, but recently I found myself being scared of the uncertainty of the future more and more often.
The path I’ve chosen is not the easiest and I have been aware of that when I decided to chase my dream. The idea of leaving things behind to move the country and live in nature, buying a house and not being sure of what to live from, is not the choice most of the people would go for. Many nights I am lying awake thinking about how to survive up north, how I should make a living, how should I pay for food, how can I make it just with the things I love the most, my photography, my blog, my music. There are so many fears inside me which show up when I am the weakest. I know life is too short to live a life you don’t want just to run away from your fear, but even though, I am also scared of making a mistake. Sometimes a voice in my head says “Maybe you should just stay here, you will fail and lose everything you have” and then I humble for a second and don’t know what to do anymore.
The thing is, I want so many things at once and while I am writing this post, I realise that my future is actually not that scary and unpredictable but my plans are just too big. I just want so many things all at once. I need to give myself time and space for changes and compromises. I will go to the North, that’s for sure. But maybe I won’t buy a house just yet but live in a little town in a rented apartment for a while and earn some money before I move on – I should leave some room for intermediate steps! That makes it so much easier to go step by step, day by day, working towards the dream instead of drowning in the fear of not being able to fulfil it all at once. And to reply to that voice ” What do I have to lose when I have nothing here that makes me happy?”
I spend most of my time with planning, reading about how to move to Sweden, waterfalls of information, so many things to consider because the fuel of my fear is the uncertainty, not knowing what comes next. Preparing myself mentally for this move helps me a lot to fight my fear about the future. Since I have a father who is very critical of my dream of a life in Sweden, it is even harder to stay positive. The field I am working in is not the most steady one. Actually working with social media is so unpredictable since you can never rely on social networks – a social life can be over in a second and then you are without work, without money (assumed you are making your living from social media work). Of course, I don’t know what will happen in a year, what kind of opportunities I will get, whether I will extend my blog, develop my photography – I have no power over all the things that could happen to me. Maybe I’ll find a job at a small supermarket in the village I wanna move, maybe I will do more music and sell my songs, maybe a brand will make me an offer I can’t pass, maybe I will start a schooling about herbs and work as a herbalist – maybe life will go a completely different way than I expected! I can never be sure.
Life is too short to be afraid. The future is unpredictable and I will never know what will happen and how things will go. Tomorrow is a big black tunnel, but as long as I am walking with a candle in my hand it will never be dark, there will always be enough light. That’s what I tell myself when the fear about my future takes over once again. What if we miss the best time of our lives just because we are too afraid to take a risk?
Are you afraid of your future or do you have an unshakable plan? And what do you do to ease the scared voice in your head? I send lots of love your way! – M.
Photos taken by Polly Balitro