Happy Friday, everyone! How are you doing? Did you start your weekend right? I am writing to you from my wooden table under the rooftop table of my room in Germany where I have a wonderful view of the trees while the sun is setting and the birds are singing – I have to admit, this is a magical place and working makes so much more fun with a view like that!
I arrived in Germany safe and sound yesterday evening. The travel by plane and train has been exhausting with all my baggage but I made it and have been relieved when I sat in my mum’s car after six hours from Helsinki over Copenhagen to Germany. My feelings have been a wild mixture of grief, happiness, tiredness and many other emotions I couldn’t really process. I went to sleep in my cold bed feeling like a stranger at my once so-called home, but I slept tight.
This morning I woke up to the sound of the birds and a sunny sky, and when I opened my window and let the fresh summer air inside, I felt more motivated than I expected. I turned on some music, prepared myself a fruit bowl and started to rearrange my furniture, sorting and getting rid of stuff and clean my life. 12 hours later I am now sitting at my desk, feeling really cosy and happy in my little hole – and more like a resident than a stranger. Getting rid of old things and recreating your own space makes it easier to start anew.
Last night I was trying to find words to describe the feeling inside me which I had since I arrived. Then I realised what would describe it best: It feels like an old childhood memory or an old familiar dream you had over and over again in the past. Everything seems so familiar, the smell in the air, the sounds and faces. It feels surreal, and still – it is reality. I feel like I will wake up any moment and be back where I came from, but I won’t. I guess sometimes the brain needs some time to adjust to a new situation and to process experiences and impressions, and I just have to be patient until things will feel less spaced out.
I had plenty of time to prepare myself mentally for my return, and so I did. I did prepare for this feeling of being lost and I am fighting with all of my heart against the dark pull which wants to take me into that deep sad hole. I know being sad and crying won’t change my situation, and I already grieved and cried enough. Instead, I already prepared a plan in Finland for my time back in Germany. Work prevents unnecessary overthinking, keeping me busy helps me to focus on the future and the positive things in the present moment. And let’s be honest – I have been living in the past for so long, and it never brought me where I wanted to be! So for once, I try to take the advice to look back to memories with a smile and then move on. Of course, there will be moments when I cry and when I desperately want to go back, yes – especially nights make me feel lonely, and that’s okay. As long as I keep looking at the new horizon! Before I left Finland a dear person said to me “See it as a trip, and the next one is already on the horizon!” – I recall those word over and over again when I feel like breaking. He has been right, these things are just temporary, change comes every once in a while. But it means that we get one step closer to our goal, one step closer to where we want to be! This is just a temporary stop before we move on.
So although I still have this rock sitting on my chest making it hard to breathe, I keep walking. I adjust to the new situation, and keep looking at the horizon, because one day the sun will be setting over the place I want to be, and I will see it – and then I am almost there!