Recently I have been struggling with self-doubt again. It comes in waves and I have good and bad days, but the past couple of weeks I have been doing really hard to be satisfied with myself and my work. It has all to do with comparing myself to others, having too many expectations towards myself, putting me under pressure and being too self-critical. Although I am aware of my problem and most of its reasons, I am doing hard to change it. Self-doubt works like an underwater swirl, as soon as you are inside, you spin around and get deeper and deeper into it.
Sometimes I spend hours with thinking about how I can improve myself, sometimes I lay in bed for hours missing a sunny and beautiful day because I feel so awful that I just don’t wanna move at all. It makes me feel even worse because it won’t change a thing but makes me hate myself even more.
I try to distract my thoughts and to do the things I love, but sometimes it is hard because it all leads back to my unsatisfaction and perfectionism. Some people might say I have no reason to complain and should remember how many I inspire and how many people like what I do, but it is not that easy. For me, it is not about being appreciated by others, it is about self-love and trying to be perfect, although that’s impossible.
Maybe it is even harder because sometimes I don’t know what I want, I am confused who I want to be. Or better: I know where and who I want to be, but it is not possible yet (or can someone lend me some money to buy a house in the woods?) It is really difficult to explain what is going on in my mind, but it fills everything that usually makes me happy with dark clouds.
In those times, I try to surround myself with good people, I spend a lot of time with people who make me feel good – it distracts me from myself. Sometimes those low-spirited phases end as fast as they came and one morning I wake up feeling good in my skin again. Sometimes I need to change things, try out new ways and maybe also just deal with those thoughts for a while. The good thing is, I am not alone. There are always so many souls helping me focusing on my qualities instead of burying myself in my flaws. I am so thankful for every single one who sends me kind words and so much love that I can’t handle it sometimes! I hope you are happy and you love yourself and what you do – I send you a lot lot lot of love! I am not looking for pity or compliments, I wanna make aware of this struggle which I am not the only one dealing with. I hope we will all find a way to love ourselves how we are because life is way too short to be upset!