Hello, dear ones and welcome to another little review of the past two weeks this time. The last week has been a bit tough because I suffered from a bad flu in combination with pollen allergy which totally knocked me out for several days. I went for a photoshoot with Lea last Saturday and we shot some photos between beautiful flowers and also in the high grass in the fields but afterwards, my allergy hit me so hard that my nose and eyes were going crazy. The next couple of days I just spent in bed because I had no energy and my entire body ached. I guess it was time to slow down a bit and to just do nothing for a while and let my body heal and my mind having some rest.
I try to enjoy Summer as much as I can as a former vampire, spending time in the fields with Balu, reading in the evening sun, enjoying the cool breeze that finds me once in a while and eating strawberry cake on the porch. The heat is bearable so far as long as I don’t have to use the public transportation. I wish I’d live nearby a lake so I could go for a dip in the Summer heat. Oh, I am dreaming of a lake in my backyard!
Talking about that, I finally bought myself a raincoat! I needed one for quite a while because I always used my brother’s when it rained the past months but I haven’t found the right one yet. I actually wanted to have a blue rain jacket but when I saw this yellow one in the sale I really fell in love with it. It reminds me of our vacations at the Northern Sea when I was little. The rainy and salty ports which smell like fish and the ocean. Since this raincoat is hanging here at home, I feel the urge to live in a lighthouse for some reason. The image of an atmospheric rocky beach with a red white striped lighthouse next to the sea in the dark of the rain somehow has a very soothing effect on me! I even looked for job advertisements as a lighthouse keeper the other night, haha
I enjoy lots of fruits and good food to get back on track after the flu. The other day when Balu and I went through the fields in the evening, suddenly a deer jumped out of the grass right next to us and ran away into the forest. I was so fascinated that I kept staring at the spot it appeared a second ago even after it was gone. I also had a little chat with my neighbor lady again and we ate strawberries and talked about life and the world – it is always so nice to see her and to talk about everything that concerns us, it is really therapeutic.
I also thought a lot about myself and my work and art this week again. Somehow something didn’t feel right the past couple of weeks. I felt really unhappy with my photography even tho it seemed like I kept evolving more and more. I guess this unhappy feeling has its source more in my social media. Even though, this seems to be a permanent present topic, for me, the real problem seems to show up only now. It actually started with the yellow raincoat and totally became clear to me when I cut myself bangs last night. I wanted to do that for a very long time, I wanted to change, to try something (old) new but I never did it because I thought “Maybe it doesn’t suit me”, “I look young anyway, why to make myself even younger”, “Maybe I will hate it again soon”, “Maybe my straight hair without bangs looks better in pictures” and so on. But last night I felt the need to change something so very badly that I just did it. And it felt awesome! And at that moment I realized what my actual problem was: I wasn’t myself by being myself! The past months I somehow slid into that arty-modelling-extraordinary-photography niche and started to put so much pressure on myself because I started seriously thinking about how to turn this into my real job after my study, that I totally lost the focus on my happiness. Every time I wanted to share something on Instagram, my perfectionism showed up wondering if this photo is professional enough if the quality is good enough if it is creative enough – but IT IS NEVER ENOUGH FOR ME! I am never good enough in my own eyes. And I started to long for the good old times when I just posted whatever happened to me that day or a photo of my favorite sweater, analog photos, everything that was so unperfect but so precious and full of its own spirit those days. I really miss those times but of course, it is also my own decision of course what I post and what not. Maybe it has been my own desperate wish to become a more professional photographer, maybe it’s been everything that I’ve been confronted with on social media the past year, that I just stopped sharing life but work on my Instagram.
It is a complex topic and my thoughts are a mess, but to sum it up, I realized that I wanna go back to that free sharing of the things I love in life. I still do so but with too much perfectionism due to my photos and by being too hard on myself. Do you have similar struggles with your art? I would love to know your experiences since I don’t seem to be the only one with these kinds of problems.
I baked some banana bread the other day which you could see in the last post where I shared the recipe. It was SO delicious. I had to use the ripe bananas that I had left and so I thought why not try a banana bread for the first time. I combined it with some vegan chocolate and all the good stuff, and it turned out so so good! Moreover, the sunsets happen to be so enchanting this week. I could take a photo every single time because I think it looks more and more beautiful every evening.
So these have been the past two weeks! Not much going on in my life right now, but the more in my head it seems. I hope you are all doing very well and enjoy the Summer days! Have a wonderful Sunday and take care!
Lots of love, Michelle